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Look No Further, I AM the Man I can't figure out why women aren't beating a path to my door after reading this. These are merely the random deep contemplative thoughts of an insane, deranged, typical male that you are just dying to meet. You can even bring me home to meet your mom, if she's a cougar. What's the problem?


I love myself. You will too after reading about me.


Customer Service is an oxymoron. No, you can't help me with anything else, and screw your survey.

People suck. The ones that don't, eventually will.

Even if you don't swallow, just say you do. It works.

Ever notice how the same people who are so vehemently against racism are also the ones who put their house up for sale when the neighborhood "changes"?

Why are there 25 windows at the MVA, but only 3 people working? And 2 of them are at lunch.

Allowing everyone to carry a gun would be kinda extreme. But how about a baseball bat? I can think of many, many folks who really need a good smack with one just to get them back on the right track. Like everyone involved in "customer service", for example.

I prefer sex by myself. It's less messy and there's none of that cuddling or talking BS.

The only redeeming factor about politicians is...um...nevermind. There are none.

I smoke, I throw the butts out the window, and I don't care about the environment. Screw the Chesapeake Bay.

Is it really necessary for a woman to still be there in the morning? Ugh.

Men are pervs. All of them, including me.

I really do love women. Especially the ones my wife doesn't know about.

Any man who denies thinking about screwing other women, even if he's your loving husband, is a liar. He thinks about it constantly. He mentally undresses every woman or girl he sees. Whether she's 15 or 65, he thinks about it.

Why don't women admit to having taboo fantasies? You know damn well you want that hot looking teenaged boy at the pool. Just admit it already.

Women shave themselves down there because their men have them convinced it's hot. The real reason is that it makes you look like you're 12 years old. It's just a sneaky way of fulfilling their pervo fantasies without getting arrested for it. I'm not complaining. It IS hot.

The following people should be shipped to Antarctica: Politicians, drunk drivers, rapists, child abusers, animal abusers, telemarketers, and the person who invented the voice response system. And the guy who puts those damn stickers on the fruit and veggies.

Please explain to me why the MVA has 25 service windows and only 3 people working.

Can I just get a goddamned cup of coffee? No fancy shit, no flavors, no half this and half that. Just a coffee.

Are there any Dunkin Donuts or 7-11 that are NOT run by Achmed and the camel jockeys?

I believe in discrimination. I would like to see those signs again, the ones that say "We reserve the right to refuse service to anyone".

Why can't I refuse to sell my house to someone? Is it my house or isn't it?

Why can't I refuse to hire someone based on their skin color? It's MY business.

If minorities want the job, they can have it, as long as they are better qualified than the person I want to fill it.

Add people who play their music loud to the Antarctica boat.

Liberals are really conservatives who haven't had the pleasure of being mugged yet.

Women should not burp or fart in public. Or in my presence, either.

Women who do the piercings & tattoo thing are just nasty. You may think it's cool now. Wait until you're 60.

Don't bring your kids to a restaurant or movie thater if they can't sit still and be quiet.

If you don't want me to bang the babysitter, hire an old one, not a young cutiepie.

Please keep your head from blocking the TV when you're giving me a BJ.

I used to work in retail. Then I went back to school and finished 6th grade. So now, I'm a manager.

Do not, under any circumstances, discuss your feminine products or hygiene with me or around me.

Do not, under any circumstances, tell my wife you replied to this posting.

Sorry, I was ogling your daughter, did you say something?

I'm in hell. Care to join me?

When I want your opinion, I will give it to you.

People who whine about their issues really irk me. I'll give you 10 minutes to get over it. Then I'm done with you. It's not that I'm not caring and compassionate. No wait. It is cuz of that.

I believe in soul mates. I've had 3 of them so far.

If you're still reading this, you really need help.

If you don't want men ogling your boobs and your ass, don't wear clothing that emphasizes them. If your cleavage is showing, I have the right to bury my face in it.

I think most sexual desires and fantasies are better off left to the imagination. Reality is never as hot. So buy lots of Kleenex and knock yourself out.

My house was foreclosed on. And it didn't bother me 1 bit. I declared bankruptcy 10 years prior to that, and that didn't bother me either. I was able to buy a house and have it foreclosed on so easily.

If you're not the lead dog, the scenery never changes. You're always looking at the ass of the dog in front of you.

I'm not impressed by your expensive car. You are over compensating for a small penis.

Women who "molest" young boys should be forced to come to my place, for an extended stay.

If you want bigger boobs, why not just rub toilet paper on them? It worked for your ass.

Not everyone wants to cuddle after sex. Some of us want to clean up and go home to our spouses' lousy cooking.

I crack myself up. My dad said I should be on the stage. Preferably the next one leaving town.

Don't pee down my back and tell me it's raining.

If you say hi to me, I assume it means you want me.

I don't need a hot car. I have a big dick.

The stimulus check did not stimulate me. The porn videos I bought with it did, however.

Divorce should be free, and easy. Imagine how many lives it would save. I vote for online divorces. Fill in the info, and click here. Use PayPal for it.

I don't understand why women get upset when their husbands or boyfriends chat up other women online. I wish my wife did it...with other women that is.

I'm really trying to see things from your point of view, sweetie. I am just having some difficulty getting my head that far up my ass.

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